Thursday, October 28, 2010

Regrouping

The direction I'd like to go now is this: Regrouping your sanity, rediscovering joy and rebuilding your life. Please know, I am in no way suggesting you shouldn't still be hurting, or seeking answers, or doing whatever it is you need to do for yourself. What I am suggesting is that you begin to focus on your precious heart, that soft place that has undergone a major and life changing event. Focus on where you want to see yourself in a year. Is it back with your spouse? If it's meant to be and it works out that way, then my hope for you is it will be a return to a new and better life. But more times then not, it means a new life on your own...and if there are children, then rejoice! You will not be alone. Your role may be altered to accommodate a new schedule, and there may be grief as you adjust to being without your children when they are with your ex, but your children are your children, and they will be a blessing to you....and you to them. Remember, they are watching you. Show them a mother/or father who is strong, centered and whole, and you will strike a blow against broken homes everywhere. Nothing is broken that can't be mended, and just as a bone breaks and mends itself together, so too, will you become a much stronger and supportive member of your family. And if you are feeling shattered right now, you can begin to gather the shards of your life little by little and decide to make a new creation...if and when you're ready. I've seen shattered heirloom dishes lovingly gathered and made into beautiful new mosaics. A new creation, honoring the old, yet becoming an entirely new thing of beauty. Divorce can do this for you, if you let it. From it's ruins a new life is born.

What do you love? What was it that once made your heart sing? Do you remember? Are there any simple joys you can find today? In this season that is rapidly changing into Winter, let us seek the comfort of simple joy, in our hearts, our homes...wherever they may be...and within our family. If you are a family of one, you are especially thought of this day. I know how that feels. Special thoughts are sent your way.

Gentleness is the way to wholeness....and joy is waiting to be your companion. Take Her hand.

Until tomorrow....blessings upon your heart

Cindy

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Ruins....

There is a Melissa Etheridge song that goes..."If I am to heal, then I must first learn to feel the ruins....I will crawl through my past over stones, blood and glass, in the ruins"....really? Do I need to do that? Well, yes...and no. I don't believe in wallowing, not in pain, anger, cynicism, or mud. Wallowing keeps you stuck, taking responsibility moves you forward. A good cry or two, or several if that's what it takes, is definitely therapeutic...hell, I even had to scream my lungs out in my car until I was hoarse for a week....and I did that twice over the last eight months. But wallowing, no. Understanding the breakdown of your marriage is ideal of course, if you don't want to repeat those things in the next relationship you will have, but some things I discovered I will never understand. Does that mean I am to stay stuck? Am I to forever analyze and process all that went down? For me, the answer was and still is a resounding "NO". In the end, does it really matter who was right, who was wrong, or who was so f.u.b.a.r. that you couldn't possibly make sense out of it? Some things are just not meant to be understood. And if I wanted to keep harping on everything he did, then I was just putting my energy on him and not on myself. I might as well have just built an alter to him and bowed to it everyday. Ha! Yeah, like I wanted to do that. So...move on. Such a trite thing to say though, isn't it? Just move on. Everyone says it. Everyone talks about "closure" (so overused), "getting over it", "processing"....blah, blah. But by moving on I mean, and let me say, this is what worked for me, was actual movement.The first time a therapist said to me to get out everyday in the sunshine and walk, I thought, "why"? "Be in the moment" he said, again I thought, "why"? Then one day after forcing myself to get out and walk at the Arboretum, it all started to click. Physical exercise was moving me physically forward. My heart started beating to where I could actually feel it in my chest again, where before it was frozen, unmovable. As fresh blood began coursing through my body the endorphins were released, and I felt better. And since I have always looked for metaphors in life, I likened it to bringing fresh new blood into my outward life as well. I started to notice the birds singing, and being early spring, I watched day-by-day the blossoming of the trees and flowers. The blossoming thing was not lost on me. Could I be on a path? A spiritual path? A path that would lead me out of my former life and into a new one? Was this a good thing I was going through? Well, read on tomorrow when I begin to discuss how elated I was to realize that divorce can be a spiritual path back to yourself....to the One who was always waiting there for you.

Until tomorrow.....blessings on your heart

Cindy

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Identity Crisis

No two ways about it....my very identity was crushed. My carefully guarded, perfectly manicured identity completely fell apart with the slam of a door. Gone in sixty seconds flat, never to return. The facade was finally blown and there I stood, couldn't have been more naked or vulnerable had I tried. I look back now and see the source of the pain and devastation came from the fact that I just didn't know who the hell I was anymore. To become so stagnant in a marriage that you forget you are a living, breathing, passionate woman (or man) is a crime against oneself. When you ignore your inner pleadings....you know, the little whispers that begin politely enough, but when neglected turn into full force gale winds, ....something will occur to get your attention. There really is something within us that knows what we need. Call it what you will based on your own belief system, but quite simply, for me, it was The She. The One who knows. She waited patiently for me through the years, but She also required much....and that I was not willing to do. I knew what She wanted, and it was too much for me to handle. She wanted me to be myself. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Just be yourself, we hear it all the time. Not so simple. It means loving yourself more then anyone else, and loving yourself first. If you don't, you will not hear your own personal Truth calling to you....and your life will pass you by. I am fifty years old and have just recently accepted the fact that I am totally responsible for the years that went by me without so much as a "How do you do" from me. Every instance where I closed my eyes, my ears, my mind.....every time I pasted on a fake but beautifully lipsticked smile, I shut Her out. Well, that catches up with you sooner or later, and I'm convinced that for the length of time and the severity with which I shut myself out of my own life, I now see it was just that much more necessary for the "breakdown" to be as spectacular as it was. "Oh", I cried...."it's so sudden"! No it wasn't....it had been coming like a freight train for years.

The realization that I was responsible for my life, that I had a hand in it's demise, was something I just recently accepted. While not outwardly doing anything "wrong", I had committed emotional violence on myself more times then I cared to admit, and that will eat you alive, make no mistake. With a new acceptance for my part, and a desire to recreate myself....with my own personal identity in the forefront....I was able to gather up the shards of my shattered ego and start clean. And at fifty, no less!

When it hurts, take a look at what you believe about yourself. Is it really what "they" did to you that hurts, or is it because you had let your former life define you...and now there's nothing left. Refuse the crumbs from someone else's table! Set your own banquet. And if you mistakenly believe that your life is over because he/she decided to walk out....think again, my dears.

What do you believe about yourself? I suggest writing it down, and don't be afraid. Or, be afraid and know I am with you on this....and we'll push past the fear to your glorious Truth.

Until tomorrow....blessings upon your heart.

Cindy

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Where do I go from here?

That was my question for months. My equilibrium was severely whacked and I was in a free fall that seemed to rip away any sense of control over my life. Where was I headed? Everything outside of me hurt, everything. Places, people, my home, my own image staring back at me in the bathroom mirror, especially that.....it said "Loser"! With so much outward pain I had no where else to run but inside my own life. I had always closed up when things hurt me before, it was my natural defense mechanism learned long ago from parents who were completely emotionally bankrupt. And I learned well indeed, and I held onto it as part of my identity. But this time when I went inside myself it was to seek asylum, and then once in my own head I wanted back out again. So, I was stuck with me, no way around it. I didn't like myself very much. I had become the woman I had scoffed at for years. The stay-at-home mom, the one who gives up her life, her vision. her ideas, all for the greater good of the family. (Now I am not knocking motherhood, NO! It's the toughest and most rewarding job I know of.....and I do it everyday. But now it's with simple joy....but more on that later).

I knew the time had come for me to ask the proverbial question....."Who am I"? What I discovered was a half girl/half woman lurking inside, trembling. I took her hand, I told her I had neglected her long enough, I told her I loved her, and in a way that no human being ever had before, or ever would again. She stopped shaking. After three months of total denial and terror, I solidly set my foot on the path towards wholeness. A very good therapist told me that I was what I was waiting for all these years. Ha! It was me all along? Who knew? Surely not I, because I entertained the thought that happiness was "out there" somewhere. Yet, and I must admit, that notion never felt quite right either. There was a nagging feeling that I held my own key to my own life, that it wasn't what other people in my orbit did or didn't do that guaranteed my peace of mind, or my fullfillment, or my sense of self. No, it was me all along. This was both empowering and terrifying at the same time. It meant I had to stop blaming, I had to look at myself in the blazing light of day, warts and all, and gently begin all over again....on dry, fragile ground. Ground that bore no beauty, ground that was infertile for too long, ground that was shaky. Thus I began to write down everything I had ever hoped for in my life. It took three days but I got it all out, some of it had long been forgotten, but it flooded back to me when I started writing. And this, my friends, is where I learned to rediscover my passions....on paper, in the stillness of my bedroom, and many times in the middle of the night when sleep wouldn't come. My dreams flowed from my pen, not some imitation of someone else's life, but my true callings. This is not a selfish act, this reacquainting oneself with your heart's desire, this is a self-nurturing love that is too easily forgotten....and one that will water your dry ground with new life.

What calls to you? What stirs your very being in the middle of the day for no apparent reason, what stops you dead in your tracks and whispers..."hey, remember"? Write it down....

Until tomorrow....blessings upon your heart

Cindy

This I know....

You will not hurt forever. The pain will stop. Time is a gentleman, and what you need is tender loving time. Even though you may not feel like it, now is the time to nurture, nurture, nurture. Take every care, be gentle, eat something delicious....especially when you don't want to....especially when you think you can't possibly eat....please eat. Your world has been turned upside down, inside out, and you've had the ever lovin' crap stomped out of you. Your body hurts in ways you can't even explain. Every fiber of your being is screaming. I know...

My salvation came when I reached out to others. This was not easy for me. Not easy at all. Whatever your personal faith, now is the time to grab onto it like a lifesaver out in the middle of the ocean. Ask for the Grace to make it through the day. Hour by hour, moment by moment, if necessary. It definitely was necessary for me to ask for help on a daily and hourly basis....and I continue to ask.

What I would like to do here on this blog is to hold my lantern high for you. You are not lost. There are ways to restore your balance, your poise, your dignity....and I will share with you what I did to find these things again, to find my way back to wholeness. I will not preach, I will not advise, I will not assume that I know anything at all....except maybe, just maybe, I can offer an insight amidst my musings. My writing here is a way to continue on my own path to wholeness. I will share my Aha! moments, and if you take away a different perspective, a different way of looking at yourself, or the one that hurt you, then so be it. I will write what is on my heart day-to-day, and if something good jumps out at you, well then...do with it what you will. Just know this...you are beloved. You are known. And in the middle of the night when the pain is unbearable, you are known all the more, even if it's for every man, woman and child who has had to walk the path of divorce, you are known....and you are not alone. This pain will crack you wide open, but if and when you allow it, this will mean you can begin again, you can rewire the very inner mechanism that makes you tick. Be brave and look for the lessons. Stay open. Your soft underbelly is exposed, this very beautiful and tender part of you is now having a very bright light shine upon it. This path you're on, this painful time, it will serve you well if you use it as a way to grow into your true self.

I am holding my hand out to you....

Until tomorrow....blessings upon your heart

Cindy

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

And so it begins...

Greetings to the struggling heart....

I've been there, I am still there is some ways (do we ever stop feeling, hurting or wondering why?), but I know there is a bright light at the end of this tunnel called divorce. I've seen it, I've been bathed in it and have followed it through to the other side. It is possible, dear reader, to come out better then you've ever been....more whole, more YOU! And I'm talking about the real you, not the one who has been buried in an unhappy marriage. Not the one who has forgotten his or her passion for life. Enough of that. Throw off the shackles....begin again. The future is wide open to you.....

This is my first post on my new blog. May you visit often, may you come away with something to lighten your day. Let this be a community of readers who can gather support...as well as hope and joy. I am with you all in spirit. We can walk this path together if you like.

Until tomorrow....blessings upon your heart.

Cindy