Identity Crisis

No two ways about it....my very identity was crushed. My carefully guarded, perfectly manicured identity completely fell apart with the slam of a door. Gone in sixty seconds flat, never to return. The facade was finally blown and there I stood, couldn't have been more naked or vulnerable had I tried. I look back now and see the source of the pain and devastation came from the fact that I just didn't know who the hell I was anymore. To become so stagnant in a marriage that you forget you are a living, breathing, passionate woman (or man) is a crime against oneself. When you ignore your inner pleadings....you know, the little whispers that begin politely enough, but when neglected turn into full force gale winds, ....something will occur to get your attention. There really is something within us that knows what we need. Call it what you will based on your own belief system, but quite simply, for me, it was The She. The One who knows. She waited patiently for me through the years, but She also required much....and that I was not willing to do. I knew what She wanted, and it was too much for me to handle. She wanted me to be myself. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Just be yourself, we hear it all the time. Not so simple. It means loving yourself more then anyone else, and loving yourself first. If you don't, you will not hear your own personal Truth calling to you....and your life will pass you by. I am fifty years old and have just recently accepted the fact that I am totally responsible for the years that went by me without so much as a "How do you do" from me. Every instance where I closed my eyes, my ears, my mind.....every time I pasted on a fake but beautifully lipsticked smile, I shut Her out. Well, that catches up with you sooner or later, and I'm convinced that for the length of time and the severity with which I shut myself out of my own life, I now see it was just that much more necessary for the "breakdown" to be as spectacular as it was. "Oh", I cried...."it's so sudden"! No it wasn't....it had been coming like a freight train for years.

The realization that I was responsible for my life, that I had a hand in it's demise, was something I just recently accepted. While not outwardly doing anything "wrong", I had committed emotional violence on myself more times then I cared to admit, and that will eat you alive, make no mistake. With a new acceptance for my part, and a desire to recreate myself....with my own personal identity in the forefront....I was able to gather up the shards of my shattered ego and start clean. And at fifty, no less!

When it hurts, take a look at what you believe about yourself. Is it really what "they" did to you that hurts, or is it because you had let your former life define you...and now there's nothing left. Refuse the crumbs from someone else's table! Set your own banquet. And if you mistakenly believe that your life is over because he/she decided to walk out....think again, my dears.

What do you believe about yourself? I suggest writing it down, and don't be afraid. Or, be afraid and know I am with you on this....and we'll push past the fear to your glorious Truth.

Until tomorrow....blessings upon your heart.

Cindy