Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Ruins....

There is a Melissa Etheridge song that goes..."If I am to heal, then I must first learn to feel the ruins....I will crawl through my past over stones, blood and glass, in the ruins"....really? Do I need to do that? Well, yes...and no. I don't believe in wallowing, not in pain, anger, cynicism, or mud. Wallowing keeps you stuck, taking responsibility moves you forward. A good cry or two, or several if that's what it takes, is definitely therapeutic...hell, I even had to scream my lungs out in my car until I was hoarse for a week....and I did that twice over the last eight months. But wallowing, no. Understanding the breakdown of your marriage is ideal of course, if you don't want to repeat those things in the next relationship you will have, but some things I discovered I will never understand. Does that mean I am to stay stuck? Am I to forever analyze and process all that went down? For me, the answer was and still is a resounding "NO". In the end, does it really matter who was right, who was wrong, or who was so f.u.b.a.r. that you couldn't possibly make sense out of it? Some things are just not meant to be understood. And if I wanted to keep harping on everything he did, then I was just putting my energy on him and not on myself. I might as well have just built an alter to him and bowed to it everyday. Ha! Yeah, like I wanted to do that. So...move on. Such a trite thing to say though, isn't it? Just move on. Everyone says it. Everyone talks about "closure" (so overused), "getting over it", "processing"....blah, blah. But by moving on I mean, and let me say, this is what worked for me, was actual movement.The first time a therapist said to me to get out everyday in the sunshine and walk, I thought, "why"? "Be in the moment" he said, again I thought, "why"? Then one day after forcing myself to get out and walk at the Arboretum, it all started to click. Physical exercise was moving me physically forward. My heart started beating to where I could actually feel it in my chest again, where before it was frozen, unmovable. As fresh blood began coursing through my body the endorphins were released, and I felt better. And since I have always looked for metaphors in life, I likened it to bringing fresh new blood into my outward life as well. I started to notice the birds singing, and being early spring, I watched day-by-day the blossoming of the trees and flowers. The blossoming thing was not lost on me. Could I be on a path? A spiritual path? A path that would lead me out of my former life and into a new one? Was this a good thing I was going through? Well, read on tomorrow when I begin to discuss how elated I was to realize that divorce can be a spiritual path back to yourself....to the One who was always waiting there for you.

Until tomorrow.....blessings on your heart

Cindy

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