...for I am with you". That's a familiar line whether you're religious or not. I think we've all heard it, read it, been comforted by it....or like me....ran like hell from it. What was with me? It didn't feel benevolent, it didn't feel comforting. Fear was with me, and for my entire life I could see I lived in fear of something. The unseen fear, the insidious one that haunts your every step.....that's the gal I ran from...until I decided to hang out with her for a while. Have you ever known someone that just pissed you off for no apparent reason? Someone who made you feel uncomfortable? Did you ever suspect that if you just sat down and got to know this person you might actually find something you like about them, maybe even become friends? So this is a suggestion: befriend that which scares and confuses you. Stop running. Turn on the fear, ask it's name, then ask it out to lunch and get to know it once and for all. There is such relief in just surrendering.
Reclaiming your life after a major upheaval is not for the faint of heart. Reinventing yourself into who were meant to be is monumental, and worth it. The dark side of our psyches is a place no one wants to go, but I tell you this, if you can muster the strength and actually go there, what you will find is pure light. It's a gift waiting to be unwrapped. I wanted to learn the source of my fear. I wanted to learn why I sold out for the last fourteen years of my life. I wanted the relentless pursuit I felt from an unseen entity to simply stop. The day I realized that the only way to undo the terrors of the night was to shine a very bright light on them, was the day I started to reclaim my life. For one thing I was terrified of being alone, so I decided to sit with the "aloneness" of my life. I spent time alone for a while, days, nights, and weekends when I didn't have the care of my child, I just sat with the fear. I asked it, "What is so wrong with me that I can't stand to be with me"? I began to learn that if I loved every part of myself, if I accepted every part of myself then I would feel "at home" in my skin, my mind, my heart...and I would actually cherish the times I was alone, because I was with someone I loved. This realization came gently, it wasn't frightening to come to this understanding, it was gentle. The dark thoughts began yielding up their place in my head....finally. Quite simply they told me I was believing that if I was alone, it would mean I was unlovable. I had come to believe that I would only be lovable if I filled my life with someone else's life. I couldn't possibly be interesting on my own! It wasn't until after I got to the bottom of this uncomfortable feeling that I was able to reach out to others and create my own community. The work had to be done first so I wouldn't infect any new relationships with my old stuff.
Does any of this sound familiar? Is the fear that whispers in your ear, "You're not enough", the reason you have stayed so long in a hurtful marriage or relationship...or job? And when someone walks away from you and the pain is unbearable, is it because that last vestige of who you thought you were is now shattered all about you? There you stand alone with you, and if you are anything like me, that was a true moment of panic. But that's a good place to start....
Sit with what scares you. Befriend it. The fear is there to lead you out of your pain. It sounds weird, I know, but it's true. Fear means: False Evidence Appearing Real. So spring that trap.....and the light will come. Works like a charm.
Until next time....blessings upon your heart