I haven't written in a couple of weeks because I needed to "process". That's another over used word, isn't it?...."I need to process things"...."It's a process"...."Trust the process". Yeah, yeah, I know. You do need to though. And I did. So here I am again writing this blog that no one reads. It's probably more of how I "process" (Oopps...sorry) what went down in my marriage, my life, and how I came out the other end whole and sane. So be it, here we go...
The finality of anything is like hitting a doorstep you didn't see in your path...it trips you up. You think you've got it covered, you think you can handle what's coming. You play out scenarios, you practice reactions, you tell yourself you're "okay" with it. Then the day comes and you pick up the phone and it's the voice of your not-so-friendly lawyer telling you....."It's done, have a nice life". Wow. Just like that and your life takes on a new label. "Divorced". It's over....history. Or is it?
An emotional divorce must take place, and ideally it should have happened somewhere along the "process" (sorry) of the divorce proceedings. Your initial gut feeling upon hearing your divorce is final will be a good barometer as to how emotionally divorced you are. Did you double over in pain, cry out, throw up, smash something, get drunk? No? Good, neither did I. If you did however I would gently, (ever so gently, because you are still fragile), suggest you explore the feelings within you that are jerking you around. Now, I'll be the first to tell you that when I pass by the men's department at my favorite mall store I feel a twinge of pain. I loved buying clothes for my husband, especially sweaters at Christmas time, and dear people, Christmas is coming and with it all the extra pain this time of year can bring if you're still emotionally attached to your ex. The moments when you get a twinge, when there is a definite trigger that happens, (for me it's the men's department and a certain restaurant I pass by almost daily) are to be expected. Time will indeed be a gentleman in lessening the hold these things have on you. Twinges are okay.....deep emotional reactions, physical ailments...and rage, are sure signs more work needs to be done on yourself. And you're so worth it. I promise you are.
"Letting go" is the other over used language of our time. But, the day you can let it all go, cut the tie that binds (or strangles), will truly be a joyous day of recognition for you. You will see yourself in the clear light of day....a human being who went through some shit, and came out better for it. Forgiveness is huge here, and I'm not about to tell you to forgive someone who has ripped your heart out and stomped on it, no, not yet I won't say that. You need to grieve this first, and fully, or it will rear it's ugly head and impede your progress to a happy life. But when the time comes, and it will be a different timetable for everyone, forgiveness will set you free. Forgiveness blesses and heals the forgiver. It's doesn't let the perpetrator off the hook, it doesn't devalue your experiences or condone one single horrible thing they did to you. It let's YOU off the hook big time. Forgive them for your own well being, because you are worth more then holding onto that hot potato that is burning your hand to smithereens. This is one of the definitions of insanity in my book.....hurting yourself over someone else.
So...."process", grieve, seek counsel.....and then let go. I am at peace with my ex-husband/my child's father. I wish him well, he wishes me well. I love him on the level of loving all human beings.....and in spite of his shortcomings, he is my child's father, and I loved that more than anything else I disliked about him. For me, forgiveness has been the final hurdle that let me be truly at peace over everything that went down these last nine months.
I wish for you this day a new commitment to yourself, a commitment to let yourself off the hook. Get on now with the emotional divorce....and then get on with living your incredible life. What a gift that will be....
Until next time...blessings upon your heart