Just what is it? Often in years past, a whole lifetime ago really, I thought I knew what it looked like to be "spiritual". You lived in an ashram or high up on a mountaintop, you never got mad, you loved everybody, and you had a countenance of peace on your face.....all the time! That wasn't me by any stretch of the imagination! The spiritual path I set my foot on back in '93 led me to realize I needed to decide for myself that I was okay, and spiritual enough, just as I was. I had to shut out each and every societal and familial expectation of myself. I had to get comfortable with the idea of God being there for me and loving me in exactly the package I came in. I began to learn that within my imperfections, my perfection was revealed. Within the chaos of my life, peace was present. Out of a mouth that could spew profanities, came grace unbounded. I was a mess on the outside. I had just lost my mother to cancer, I had been beaten nearly unconscious by a half brother who was a raging alcoholic, and I was a single mother to a baby girl. Wow, even writing that now sounds so "reality show", the kind I abhor and will not watch for love, nor money. But it's how I came to find my spirituality, in a big way. I can site some books that helped, "A Return To Love" by Marianne Williamson, Dr. Wayne Dyer's books, and a few that seemed to call to me when I would browse the bookstore anxiously looking for that one book that would reveal everything to me....and make me whole. And while "A Return To Love" did more to turn me around then any other book, I still had to find my own answers.
So began my journey of discovery. We all take one, you know. Whether you are aware of it or not, we're all on a our own unique path, a path that will lead to some strange and wonderful, and frightening places. And by frightening places please don't assume I mean dangerous. No, it was the frightening places that helped me the most. Sort of like taking a Halloween monster mask off a precious child's face and seeing what was already there the whole time. But I felt the most on my own, and a little panicky, when I needed answers to specific questions. I kept looking on the outside at other people and how they lived, loved, what they read, what they ate, what they said, or what brand of shampoo they used. Superficial cues to a spiritual life, or so I thought. It was a true free fall when I had to decide for myself what I wanted to become. I knew I didn't fit any mold or formalized religious pigeon hole. I had to come into my own, as my own woman, and be serene in the knowledge that I was enough, as is, that I was worthy, as is, that I could be blessed, and in turn be a blessing to others, as is.
Well, fast forward eighteen years and here I am today writing this blog, fully recovered from a divorce, still a mess on some days, the mother of two extraordinary daughters, a massage therapist, a Reiki Master, an avid baker/cook and a pretty darn good friend, but I am also totally content in my sense of spirituality....and here's what I learned, here's my Aha! moment: It has nothing to do with anyone else. It only has to do with you and your personal belief system and/or your relationship to the God of your choosing....or none at all. What a relief when I had the clear understanding that I could walk a path that took me into the heart of the natural world around me, (where I found the most comfort and peace) and it was there just waiting for me to discover. Every tree, leaf, rock, the wind, the rain, the storm, it all became my Teacher. Living in the current season did the most to center my life, it allowed me to see sense and purpose in being here, it showed me I could rely on an invisible force that would lead, guide, and nourish me as assuredly as Spring follows Winter, and as seeds become luscious tomatoes. I could tap into this energy and it would make me whole. I could ask this energy (God, Higher Power, whatever you personally call this life force) to flip the switch on in my life, to open my eyes, to reach out in compassion, and not be afraid to do so for fear of rejection. I could also count on annoyances with people and situations that would lead me to a greater sense of peace and tranquility by learning from them. Some of the most untoward people are the most spiritual. I like to think of them as sages and masters, sent in our midst to teach us what we need to know about ourselves so we can transcend it, if we choose.
So maybe, just maybe, that earlier version of myself eighteen years ago? Maybe I was perfect as I was for someone else to "practice" on? Maybe I was placed among certain people to teach them to grow. Hmm, interesting thought, and ultimately comforting to think that everything was on track, on purpose, meant to be. Maybe I was someone else's teacher until it became my turn to to be taught. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, but there is so much we don't understand when we're in the midst of our lives, all the whys and wherefores, all the questions and torments. Looking back it all made perfect sense, all of it, the pain (especially the pain) the lack of faith in anything, it was just perfect....it led me here....and your own life with all it's troubles and/or lack of purpose can lead you to a greater sense of peace and purpose by accepting yourself as being "enough". So rest my dear friends in the knowledge that you are enough, as is, right here, right now, this moment....and watch what happens, be ready for the insights. They're coming.
Walk your own path, be your own person, and do spend time in nature.....just let it all "be".
Until next time.....blessings upon your heart